'Grow up' is a freight train dressed as a life tip. What it actually means: stop being inconvenient. Suppress the parts of you that don't fit. Perform adulthood in a way that makes me comfortable. Here's how to respond — whether the person saying it is a stranger, a family member, or your own internal voice.
For the Casual Comment
'I am grown. I'm just grown differently than you expected.' (Short, firm, no apology. Works for strangers, acquaintances, anyone whose opinion doesn't require a deeper response.)
For Family Members
'When you say grow up, I hear stop being yourself. I've spent years trying to be someone I'm not, and it cost me. I'm not doing that anymore. I need you to respect that even if you don't understand it.' (For people who love you but don't get it — yet.)
For the Workplace
'I'm fully capable of doing my job. How I decompress or what brings me comfort outside of work doesn't affect my performance. I'd appreciate it if we could keep the focus on the work.' (Professional, boundaries intact, no disclosure required.)
For Yourself
The internal 'grow up' might be the loudest voice of all. When it shows up, answer it: 'Growing up doesn't mean becoming someone else. It means becoming more fully myself — and right now, that includes softness, comfort, and the things that help me function. I'm not behind. I'm building a life that fits. That's the most grown-up thing I've ever done.'
— Marin
About the Author
Marin is a late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD adult who was told to 'grow up' in more variations than they can count. They live in Oregon with a rescue cat named Bug. They now respond to 'grow up' with a version they can live with — and they've written scripts so you can too.
Frequently Asked Questions
- What do I say when someone tells me to grow up?
- The best response depends on your relationship and safety. For acquaintances: 'I'm living my life in a way that works for me.' For family: 'I know you're coming from a place of concern, but my choices aren't up for debate.' For yourself (the most important audience): 'Growing up doesn't mean abandoning the parts of me that need softness. I'm building a life that fits me, not a life that fits their expectations.' Remember: you don't owe anyone an explanation of your entire inner world.
- How do I defend my choices without explaining my whole life?
- You don't have to justify your existence. Short, repeatable scripts work best: 'This is what works for me' or 'I'm not looking for feedback on this' or 'I'm comfortable with my choices.' If someone demands an explanation, ask yourself: is this person safe? Do they actually want to understand? Or are they just uncomfortable with difference? You can decline to explain. Silence is also a script. Not every challenge deserves a response.
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Download: The Executive Dysfunction Toolkit
Free PDF. For the people who refuse to grow up on someone else's terms.
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