'Just try harder' might be the most damaging three words in the English language. They assume you're not already trying — that the problem is effort, not capacity, not neurology, not a system that was never designed for your brain. For people with executive dysfunction, ADHD, autism, chronic illness, or trauma, 'just try harder' is not advice. It's an accusation dressed as encouragement. (I heard this my entire life — from teachers, from bosses, from the voice in my own head. The trying harder never worked. The trying harder was the thing that burned me out.) Here's how to respond.
For the Person Who Means Well
'I am trying. Harder than you can see. The issue isn't effort — it's that my brain processes tasks differently. What I need isn't more effort. What I need is a different approach.' (Educational without being defensive. Use this for people who genuinely want to help but don't understand.)
For the Person Who Doesn't
'I've spent my whole life trying harder. It's not a strategy that works for my brain. I'm working on finding approaches that actually help — and 'try harder' isn't one of them.' (Firm, final, not inviting debate.)
For Yourself
When the 'just try harder' is coming from inside: 'I am already trying. The effort isn't the problem. The problem is that I'm using strategies designed for a different kind of brain. I don't need to try harder. I need to try differently. And differently might mean slower, gentler, with more support. That's not failure. That's accuracy.'
— Marin
About the Author
Marin tried harder for thirty-four years. It didn't work. They're now trying gentler — with accommodations, with scripts, with a diagnosis that finally explained why harder was never the answer. They live in Oregon with a rescue cat named Bug.
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Download: The Executive Dysfunction Toolkit
Free PDF. For the people who've been told to try harder their whole lives — and are finally trying something else.
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