Regression Doesn't Mean You're Avoiding Your Problems: A Nuanced Take

Someone told me once that I use regression to avoid my problems. They said it like it was obvious — like of course an adult who watches cartoons and sleeps with a stuffed dinosaur is just trying to escape reality. I thought about it for a while. And then I realized: no, I use regression to regulate my nervous system so I can face my problems. There's a difference. A big one.

Avoidance is when you refuse to engage with something difficult. You put it off indefinitely. You pretend it doesn't exist. You never come back to it. Regulation is when you step back from something difficult, stabilize yourself, and then return to it with more capacity. Avoidance is leaving the room and never coming back. Regulation is stepping out for air and then walking back in. It's the difference between quitting a marathon and stopping at a water station. Same pause. Completely different relationship to what comes next.

What Regression Actually Does

When I regress, I'm not pretending my problems don't exist. I'm giving my nervous system a break so those problems don't break me. Regression lowers the stakes. It removes the pressure to perform — to be articulate, to make decisions, to handle everything like a competent adult. That pressure is part of what makes problems overwhelming. Remove it, even temporarily, and the problems shrink. Not because they've gone away. Because you're looking at them from a position of lower stress, which means they look more like their actual size instead of the size stress made them. I still have to deal with the thing afterward. I just don't have to deal with it while my nervous system is screaming.

The Difference Is in What Happens After

Here's how you tell the difference between avoidance and regulation: what happens when the regression ends? If you come back to your life, face your responsibilities, and keep functioning — that's regulation. The regression served its purpose. It gave you the break you needed to keep going. If you're regressing to the point where you can't work, can't maintain relationships, can't function — that's not necessarily avoidance either, by the way. That might be a sign that something deeper is going on and you need more support than regression alone can provide. But for most people who regress, the pattern is: stress builds up, regression provides relief, capacity returns, life continues. That's not avoidance. That's adaptive coping. The problem isn't the regression. The problem is the world telling you that coping mechanisms that look childlike are somehow less legitimate than coping mechanisms that look adult. Drinking wine to unwind is socially acceptable. Coloring to unwind is judged. The difference isn't the mechanism — it's the packaging.

You're Allowed to Take Breaks

You don't have to be in crisis mode every second to deserve a break. You don't have to handle everything before you're allowed to step back. Regression is not a reward for solving all your problems. It's a tool for staying functional while you work on them. If anyone tells you otherwise — that you're avoiding, that you're being childish, that you should just face things head-on — they don't understand how your nervous system works. And you don't need to explain it to them. You just need to keep doing what helps you. The regression is serving you. The judgment isn't.

— Michael

About the Author

Michael was diagnosed autistic at five and non-verbal until they were five. They work at an independent bookstore where they run the entire ecommerce operation. They live in Virginia and use regression as a tool, not an escape — and they're tired of people who can't tell the difference.