'You're so strong.' 'I don't know how you do it.' 'You're a warrior.' These phrases sound supportive. They're not. They're ways of distancing yourself from someone's pain while performing concern. When you tell a struggling person they're 'so strong,' what they hear is: 'I admire your suffering from a safe distance. Please keep doing it alone.'
What to Say Instead
- •'I don't know what to say, but I'm here.' (Honesty about your limitations is more supportive than a platitude.)
- •'What would actually help right now?' Not 'let me know if you need anything' — that puts the burden on them. Ask specifically. Offer concretely. 'Can I bring dinner Tuesday?'
- •'That sounds incredibly hard. I'm listening.' (Acknowledging the difficulty without trying to fix it or silver-line it.)
- •'You don't have to be strong right now. You can fall apart with me.' (Permission to stop performing resilience.)
- •'I'm going to check in on Thursday. No need to respond — just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.' (Low-pressure check-ins that don't require reciprocation.)
What Never to Say
Never: 'Everything happens for a reason.' 'At least...' 'Have you tried...' 'You're so strong.' 'I could never handle what you're handling.' These are conversation-enders dressed as support. They make the speaker feel better and the recipient feel worse. If you catch yourself about to say one of these, try: 'I don't know what to say. But I care about you.' That's enough. That's actually more than enough.
— The Unadulting Society
About The Unadulting Society
The Unadulting Society is a collective of writers, advocates, and lived-experience experts exploring what adulthood looks like when you reject the milestone factory and build a life that actually fits. We publish community voices alongside our regular contributors.
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